Hello Nad and Mina,
I just started going to a church that I really like, but I'm having trouble with one of the women there. I think she doesn't like me because she saw me talking to her husband. In my defense, I didn't know he was married. I was actually talking to him about business and yes, I was being a little flirty, but like I said I didn't know he was married. At the time I noticed her off in the corner looking at me with a mean eye, but I didn't know who she was and ignored it.
Later I asked my friend about the guy and she told me he was married to the woman who was staring me down. I felt bad, so I tried to talk to her and let her know I'm not a home wrecker. I didn't say "I'm not a home wrecker," but I tried to reassure her that I was talking to her husband about a business matter.
I thought everything was cool, but now I'm hearing that she is telling people that I'm trying to steal her man! I don't know what to do. I don't want to get a bad reputation, especially one I don't deserve. What should I do?
Nad says: Congrats on not being a home wrecker! There are some women that wouldn't care he is married. Glad to see you're not one of them. If this woman is spreading rumors about you, there isn't much you can do other than go directly to the source. I know you tried talking to her the first time, but now it is even more urgent because your reputation is at stake.
Don't approach her with an attitude. That may make it worse. Tell her you want to straighten some things out because of what you've been hearing. Ask her if she has anything she'd like to say to you and let her know you'd appreciate her keeping any issues she has with you between the two of you.
If she continues to talk about you, then there won't be anything you can do about it. Unfortunately, some people get joy from spreading rumors and will do it because it makes them feel good. And if she continues to insist you want her man when you've done nothing else to indicate that, she must be insecure about her abilty to keep her man. That's her problem, not yours.
All you can do is continue to conduct yourself with respect and your character will speak for itself. People will see that you aren't trying to steal anyone's man and that the problem is the wife, not you. Remember, don't stress. That won't affect anyone but you.
Mina says: I co-sign! especially with this "all you can do is continue to conduct yourself with respect and your character will speak for itself."
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Rekindling Old Love: Just a Dream or Reality?
My question is: when is an old love too old (years since you have seen the person) when should you let an old love go and just move on?
Nad says: Love is a strong thing, isn't it? It has the ability to live on and flourish even when the person it's focused on is long gone. There is no cut and dry answer to your question. It depends. Did something cause you to all of a sudden take an interest in this person again or have you been pining away for years? You never want to stifle your joy by holding out hope for a person who has clearly moved on or just isn't interested, but I have heard stories of people meeting up years or decades later and picking up where they left off.
Have you seen or talked to this person lately? Do you have reason to believe he is still interested? If so, then there may be something there, but if you haven't seen this person in a long time and know nothing about his current life, I'd say let it go. He could be married or maybe he's grown into a completely different person. You might not even be attracted to the person he is now. There are just so many unknowns: Where does he live? What is he doing now? What is he like? You don't want to spend your life being in love with the idea of a person. It's better to find someone you can love in reality.
Sometimes, we can create grand ideas of what a person is like. Though we may have little knowledge of the person in reality, in our minds, we've created the perfect person and can't help but to compare everyon else to the created perfection that lives only in our imagination. We see it a lot with celebrities. Women swoon over male actors and singers, thinking, "He's perfect. I'd love to be with him." We attach ourselves to the roles they play or the songs they sing and think they are genuine reflections of who those people really are. The truth is that we know nothing about them and would be shocked to actually meet some of them in person and see how they conduct themselves in real life. (Need I mention Chris Brown?)
I'm not saying this is your case. I just wanted to bring up the point that loving a person from afar is often very different from face-to-face love. I hope I'm not raining on your parade. I love the idea of stepping out on faith, but I also love the idea of making wise decisons and living your life in a fashion that will allow you to benefit the most. Chasing after a person you've had little or no contact with in years may have no benefit. Please keep us updated. We'd love to hear what happens!
Mina says: Great answer Nad! =) My thoughts--It seems that you're speaking of an inner longing and hope, and not necessarily something that can practically materialize. (If it could, then by all means-- seek! see where he's at, the worst that could happen is he's still unavailable, in any number of ways...) But if you already know its not gonna happen, but that inner longing is still there, ask yourself--is it serving you to still hope, or could you be cutting yourself off from experiencing new love, that's real and manifesting (in a physical sense) in your life. 'Cause we wouldn't want to do that! Lol....The Good News: Genuine love never really dies. Honor that special feeling the person was used as a vessel to bring into your life and heart. Letting go never means dishonoring that. It had it's place and served it's purpose, but cycles come to an end, seasons change and nothing really remains but God...Understand that God was the true Facilitator and Provider of that love, and that lovey-dovey feeling, and can replace it with something more real and fulfilling, once you clear space to receive it... Many blessings =)
Nad says: Love is a strong thing, isn't it? It has the ability to live on and flourish even when the person it's focused on is long gone. There is no cut and dry answer to your question. It depends. Did something cause you to all of a sudden take an interest in this person again or have you been pining away for years? You never want to stifle your joy by holding out hope for a person who has clearly moved on or just isn't interested, but I have heard stories of people meeting up years or decades later and picking up where they left off.
Have you seen or talked to this person lately? Do you have reason to believe he is still interested? If so, then there may be something there, but if you haven't seen this person in a long time and know nothing about his current life, I'd say let it go. He could be married or maybe he's grown into a completely different person. You might not even be attracted to the person he is now. There are just so many unknowns: Where does he live? What is he doing now? What is he like? You don't want to spend your life being in love with the idea of a person. It's better to find someone you can love in reality.
Sometimes, we can create grand ideas of what a person is like. Though we may have little knowledge of the person in reality, in our minds, we've created the perfect person and can't help but to compare everyon else to the created perfection that lives only in our imagination. We see it a lot with celebrities. Women swoon over male actors and singers, thinking, "He's perfect. I'd love to be with him." We attach ourselves to the roles they play or the songs they sing and think they are genuine reflections of who those people really are. The truth is that we know nothing about them and would be shocked to actually meet some of them in person and see how they conduct themselves in real life. (Need I mention Chris Brown?)
I'm not saying this is your case. I just wanted to bring up the point that loving a person from afar is often very different from face-to-face love. I hope I'm not raining on your parade. I love the idea of stepping out on faith, but I also love the idea of making wise decisons and living your life in a fashion that will allow you to benefit the most. Chasing after a person you've had little or no contact with in years may have no benefit. Please keep us updated. We'd love to hear what happens!
Mina says: Great answer Nad! =) My thoughts--It seems that you're speaking of an inner longing and hope, and not necessarily something that can practically materialize. (If it could, then by all means-- seek! see where he's at, the worst that could happen is he's still unavailable, in any number of ways...) But if you already know its not gonna happen, but that inner longing is still there, ask yourself--is it serving you to still hope, or could you be cutting yourself off from experiencing new love, that's real and manifesting (in a physical sense) in your life. 'Cause we wouldn't want to do that! Lol....The Good News: Genuine love never really dies. Honor that special feeling the person was used as a vessel to bring into your life and heart. Letting go never means dishonoring that. It had it's place and served it's purpose, but cycles come to an end, seasons change and nothing really remains but God...Understand that God was the true Facilitator and Provider of that love, and that lovey-dovey feeling, and can replace it with something more real and fulfilling, once you clear space to receive it... Many blessings =)
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Dream Chasers... Are you one?
Hey Ladies,
It's Nad. I wanted to come check in with you guys, because Mina and I get so busy. You know how life consumes you sometimes and you don't find your way out for days, weeks or even months? It's important to step back from time to time, come up for air.
Mina and I share a common goal of empowering women, and we've both been working toward that goal. Personally, I've published a book called "On All the Things That Make Me Beautiful: Short Inspirational Essays on Life, Love & Self." It is full of advice on a whole slew of topics ranging from love and marriage, to body image and confidence, to forgiveness and health. There is a little bit of everything in there.
For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to write a book. But, I never did anything about it. Now, I've finally done it, and I wish I had done it sooner. We live in a time and space that encourages most people to be mindless drones, getting the old minium wage, "9-5" job and just barely making it. Sure, you've always wanted to be a dancer, but that's too hard, so just become an office assistant, and live with it. Sure, you've always wanted to open a restaurant, but that's too hard, so just work the register at Payless, and live with it.
As children, we have such big aspirations. "I want to be a maker. You know, a person that makes stuff like buildings and tables," a young girl once told me. If she ends up like most others, she'll shed that dream somewhere in her teen years and settle for a job that just lets her get by. We all have so much potential, but somewhere between childhood and adulthood, we're convinced to shelve it. I challenge you to pull your potential from the shelf, dust it off, and put it to good use.
It's Nad. I wanted to come check in with you guys, because Mina and I get so busy. You know how life consumes you sometimes and you don't find your way out for days, weeks or even months? It's important to step back from time to time, come up for air.
Mina and I share a common goal of empowering women, and we've both been working toward that goal. Personally, I've published a book called "On All the Things That Make Me Beautiful: Short Inspirational Essays on Life, Love & Self." It is full of advice on a whole slew of topics ranging from love and marriage, to body image and confidence, to forgiveness and health. There is a little bit of everything in there.
For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to write a book. But, I never did anything about it. Now, I've finally done it, and I wish I had done it sooner. We live in a time and space that encourages most people to be mindless drones, getting the old minium wage, "9-5" job and just barely making it. Sure, you've always wanted to be a dancer, but that's too hard, so just become an office assistant, and live with it. Sure, you've always wanted to open a restaurant, but that's too hard, so just work the register at Payless, and live with it.
As children, we have such big aspirations. "I want to be a maker. You know, a person that makes stuff like buildings and tables," a young girl once told me. If she ends up like most others, she'll shed that dream somewhere in her teen years and settle for a job that just lets her get by. We all have so much potential, but somewhere between childhood and adulthood, we're convinced to shelve it. I challenge you to pull your potential from the shelf, dust it off, and put it to good use.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Polygamy Problems
I am so deeply saddened by what my husband and his new wife have done to me. I have been trying to seek gudiance speak with muslims to understand how it is possible for him to meet a sister on this site, chat with her secretly, then leave me thinking he was going to research the imam only to marry her the next day. upon his return he claims to love me but things have gone horribly wrong we argued. i said horrible things. I slandered the religion. I defamed his character within our muslim community. I was so hurt and angry i wanted everyone to know how he betrayed me now he has moved out called in sick at work and i believe left on a plane to go be with this his new wife in another state. he has taken our car left no money to take care of our kids and I feel completely helpless. he wants me to pray and continue being with him however i am so distraught that while he had no money for our bills he was able to purchase a plane ticket rent a car and stay in a hotel with her for 9 days. I don't understand any of it. I have helped in the house i have paid the rent on my own shared the car loan purchased groceries done everything i possibly could. I was extremely happy with him even doing all these things I had no idea he was talking to this sister online i thought he was meeting other muslim brothers and talking about this deen. i know he is allowed to have a second wife but surely not in this manner. there must be a way for him to have another wife without causing so much pain and extreme hurt sadness and devastation to me and our family. what kind of sister is she to enter our lives and not care that she is destroying everything we built for 15 years? how do i move forward? where do i turn when prayer doesn't comfort me? i am so alone and lost i have spent my entire adult life with him and i don't know how to move on without him yet i can't sit back and watch him move on with someone else. i can't handle him going on a plane to see her, sleeping with her, growing a family with her while i suffer on the side. i know that's not what allah wants for me and i question how much he ever loved me to do this in the first place. please help me to understand give me some guidance to help me make it through this.
Nad says: Salaam sis,
My heart truly hurts for you. Please know that his actions are a reflection of HIM, not the religion. Polygamy is allowed, but it is not supposed to be done like this, in secret. Even if there is no direct statement in sharia saying you have to tell the first wife, it is stated that there is to be no secrecy around weddings. It also states that the husband has to treat the women equally, which means she knew about you, you should have known about her.
I hate that some men abuse their right to polygamy. Even the Prophets wives had issues of jealousy, and he didn't just disregard their feelings. He was very kind and considerate. Just because you can take another wife doesn't mean you can just up and do whatever you want. I'm no scholar, but I do believe you have the right to know... Allah knows best.
And you're right. There is no way he could pay for his plane ticket and other expenses but not pay the rent. No man is to take on another wife if he can't even support the first one. I'm sure he knows this. Sounds like he is trying to twist Islam to fit his lifestyle. Again, Allah knows best.
The fact that he went about this in such a sneaky way is a sign that it wasn't done correctly. There is no sneakiness in Islam. This isn't your fault. If you've done your best to be a good wife to him, then surely you will be rewarded for that. Nothing is unseen by Allah.
And I know it doesn't feel better now, but it will get better. Continue to pray, even when you don't want to, even when you feel like it won't do anything. Prayer is a mercy for us. God does not need our prayers. We do. Ask Allah to guide you toward what is best. If you stay with him (assuming he continues to provide for you and the children and treat you kindly) Allah will bless you for that. If you leave because he isn't providing, you have that right, so there is no wrong in that.
If you have done everything you can to make something work and it still falls apart, that's Allah telling you it is not for you. Of course no one wants to hear that their husband is not for them, but we never know the challanges Allah will place before us.
You aren't the first women to go thorugh this type of devastation and, unfortunately, you won't be the last, but Allah always provides for those who patiently persevere. There are women that were once in your shoes and are now abundantly happy. They were able to move through that pain and find a new peace. Inshallah, you will do the same in time.
Mina Says: Bismillah, wow, I feel the devastation and its a deeply ugly, uprooting feeling. The manner in which you're husband handled this business was dishonorable, deceptive and extremely selfish--his respect for your humanity was certainly lacking and that is enough to make you feel lost, like you've awakened to a totally new, and nasty, reality. My prayers are with you sister. Bismillah, through the panic, the hurt, the anger, you must reachout to God, like Nadirah said and you NEED a support system...I know I wouldn't be able to deal with this alone--you need to surround yourself with your dearest--I mean closest, sound friends and family. When you will feel like you can't stand, insha Allah they will carry you and help nurse you back to emotional and spiritual strength and health. Healing....your healing is of upmost importance right now.
I can't act like I'm equipped to say stay or leave, especially without a detailed, holistic picture of what was going on and even prior to all of this, but I do know that in order for you to make a sound decision, you need to gather YOURSELF. Yourself. sis, sometimes these things happen so we can get a moment to stop and do a re-assessment and go into self, not just into our internal selves but the internal aspects of the things that make our lives--our relationships, our systems--figure out what is working and not. Fast forward some time (6 months, 1 year, 2 years) and in retrospect we find we would NOT have been able to manifest a truer, more beautiful--throroughly beautiful--picture, without this tremendous hurt and reshaping...
Allah is your best friend. Allah is your BEST friend. And it seems things are always happening to get us to remember, embrace this fact yet again. It will be hard. you WON'T feel like praying...but in the words of my former multi-level marketing trainers, this is where the "players" are seperated from the "pretenders". And it will take a great deal of strength/ muscle. Allah (swt) says in Al Qur'an: "be sure We shall test you with something of fear and hunger and loss of goods, or lives, or the fruits (of your toil) but give glad tidings to those who patiently perservere. Who say when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah we belong and to Him is our return." They are those on whom (descend) blessings from Allah and Mercy and they are the ones that receive guidance."
Allah makes it very plain that this struggle/pain/test is MOST definitely something that is supposed to happen. But He says we came from God, we belong to God and we are returning to God. So--let's return. Find a way to nurse your wounds and be quiet. With God and with yourself. The answers will be clear, insha Allah. That comfortability, courage and strength you find in this place, finding your inner inconquerable spirit and power, will be sustenance for you. You didn't even realize how strong you were! You CAN do this--you CAN bounce back, you CAN be happy, MORE joyful, MORE fulfilled.
On a more specific note--again, I don't know the details, maybe your husband lost his job and could not provide--but if he wasn't providing and you were coming out of pocket to sustain the family, Islamically-speaking, he wasn't fulfilling an obligation. Allah swt even tells men to abstain from marriage if they CAN'T find the means. So the balance Allah has ordained, on some level, was already off. I fear that your kindness was feeding an already weak logic and he was taking advantage--and I suspect this only from knowledge of his current actions-- Ie, 1) The money was found when he found a NEED to spend it (this exemplifies that while he was with you he wasn't on his grind, he was too comfortable and accepting of you pulling the load that he, on some level, wasn't stepping up, cus look @ how he stepped up for the other woman) 2) In asking you to stay, he wants to take on 2, but he couldn't provide for 1? How is this logical or fair? It's not. Allah says in the Qur'an that darkness and the light are NOT alike. Sometimes in life we NEED to make these distinctions. Right is right and wrong is wrong.
That's all I will say with regards his actions. Know that you're not crazy and this was indeed carried out with immense disrespect. Allah has given you EVERYTHING you need to get through this tremendous trial. You have to put on your warrior gear--your in jihad mode, for your sanity and peace and happiness. Trust Yourself. Read Qur'an and trust sound guidance. Accept love from family and friends. Talk to women who have been there, done that and have bounced back, fully recovered and joyfully living! Look to your children for motivation and focus. With God there is abundance and God is everywhere. My deepest prayers are with you and all experiencing such feelings of betrayal. Allah has you, never let you go.
Nad says: Salaam sis,
My heart truly hurts for you. Please know that his actions are a reflection of HIM, not the religion. Polygamy is allowed, but it is not supposed to be done like this, in secret. Even if there is no direct statement in sharia saying you have to tell the first wife, it is stated that there is to be no secrecy around weddings. It also states that the husband has to treat the women equally, which means she knew about you, you should have known about her.
I hate that some men abuse their right to polygamy. Even the Prophets wives had issues of jealousy, and he didn't just disregard their feelings. He was very kind and considerate. Just because you can take another wife doesn't mean you can just up and do whatever you want. I'm no scholar, but I do believe you have the right to know... Allah knows best.
And you're right. There is no way he could pay for his plane ticket and other expenses but not pay the rent. No man is to take on another wife if he can't even support the first one. I'm sure he knows this. Sounds like he is trying to twist Islam to fit his lifestyle. Again, Allah knows best.
The fact that he went about this in such a sneaky way is a sign that it wasn't done correctly. There is no sneakiness in Islam. This isn't your fault. If you've done your best to be a good wife to him, then surely you will be rewarded for that. Nothing is unseen by Allah.
And I know it doesn't feel better now, but it will get better. Continue to pray, even when you don't want to, even when you feel like it won't do anything. Prayer is a mercy for us. God does not need our prayers. We do. Ask Allah to guide you toward what is best. If you stay with him (assuming he continues to provide for you and the children and treat you kindly) Allah will bless you for that. If you leave because he isn't providing, you have that right, so there is no wrong in that.
If you have done everything you can to make something work and it still falls apart, that's Allah telling you it is not for you. Of course no one wants to hear that their husband is not for them, but we never know the challanges Allah will place before us.
You aren't the first women to go thorugh this type of devastation and, unfortunately, you won't be the last, but Allah always provides for those who patiently persevere. There are women that were once in your shoes and are now abundantly happy. They were able to move through that pain and find a new peace. Inshallah, you will do the same in time.
Mina Says: Bismillah, wow, I feel the devastation and its a deeply ugly, uprooting feeling. The manner in which you're husband handled this business was dishonorable, deceptive and extremely selfish--his respect for your humanity was certainly lacking and that is enough to make you feel lost, like you've awakened to a totally new, and nasty, reality. My prayers are with you sister. Bismillah, through the panic, the hurt, the anger, you must reachout to God, like Nadirah said and you NEED a support system...I know I wouldn't be able to deal with this alone--you need to surround yourself with your dearest--I mean closest, sound friends and family. When you will feel like you can't stand, insha Allah they will carry you and help nurse you back to emotional and spiritual strength and health. Healing....your healing is of upmost importance right now.
I can't act like I'm equipped to say stay or leave, especially without a detailed, holistic picture of what was going on and even prior to all of this, but I do know that in order for you to make a sound decision, you need to gather YOURSELF. Yourself. sis, sometimes these things happen so we can get a moment to stop and do a re-assessment and go into self, not just into our internal selves but the internal aspects of the things that make our lives--our relationships, our systems--figure out what is working and not. Fast forward some time (6 months, 1 year, 2 years) and in retrospect we find we would NOT have been able to manifest a truer, more beautiful--throroughly beautiful--picture, without this tremendous hurt and reshaping...
Allah is your best friend. Allah is your BEST friend. And it seems things are always happening to get us to remember, embrace this fact yet again. It will be hard. you WON'T feel like praying...but in the words of my former multi-level marketing trainers, this is where the "players" are seperated from the "pretenders". And it will take a great deal of strength/ muscle. Allah (swt) says in Al Qur'an: "be sure We shall test you with something of fear and hunger and loss of goods, or lives, or the fruits (of your toil) but give glad tidings to those who patiently perservere. Who say when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah we belong and to Him is our return." They are those on whom (descend) blessings from Allah and Mercy and they are the ones that receive guidance."
Allah makes it very plain that this struggle/pain/test is MOST definitely something that is supposed to happen. But He says we came from God, we belong to God and we are returning to God. So--let's return. Find a way to nurse your wounds and be quiet. With God and with yourself. The answers will be clear, insha Allah. That comfortability, courage and strength you find in this place, finding your inner inconquerable spirit and power, will be sustenance for you. You didn't even realize how strong you were! You CAN do this--you CAN bounce back, you CAN be happy, MORE joyful, MORE fulfilled.
On a more specific note--again, I don't know the details, maybe your husband lost his job and could not provide--but if he wasn't providing and you were coming out of pocket to sustain the family, Islamically-speaking, he wasn't fulfilling an obligation. Allah swt even tells men to abstain from marriage if they CAN'T find the means. So the balance Allah has ordained, on some level, was already off. I fear that your kindness was feeding an already weak logic and he was taking advantage--and I suspect this only from knowledge of his current actions-- Ie, 1) The money was found when he found a NEED to spend it (this exemplifies that while he was with you he wasn't on his grind, he was too comfortable and accepting of you pulling the load that he, on some level, wasn't stepping up, cus look @ how he stepped up for the other woman) 2) In asking you to stay, he wants to take on 2, but he couldn't provide for 1? How is this logical or fair? It's not. Allah says in the Qur'an that darkness and the light are NOT alike. Sometimes in life we NEED to make these distinctions. Right is right and wrong is wrong.
That's all I will say with regards his actions. Know that you're not crazy and this was indeed carried out with immense disrespect. Allah has given you EVERYTHING you need to get through this tremendous trial. You have to put on your warrior gear--your in jihad mode, for your sanity and peace and happiness. Trust Yourself. Read Qur'an and trust sound guidance. Accept love from family and friends. Talk to women who have been there, done that and have bounced back, fully recovered and joyfully living! Look to your children for motivation and focus. With God there is abundance and God is everywhere. My deepest prayers are with you and all experiencing such feelings of betrayal. Allah has you, never let you go.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Blessings and Thanks!!
Peace and Blessings to all our followers and contributors out there!!!
This is Mina and I was thinkin on y'all and just felt the need to reach out, to send you love and express my appreciation for your support and engagement. Thanks for picking our brains, answering your questions has expanded me--illustrating how similar we all are, how we have more in common than different, how there is beauty in the struggle and even the pain and that God is always here for us, providing limitless wisdom and guidance direct from HIm or through the people He's placed in our lives and through creation at large. What a luminous blessing!!! Treasure!!! Gift!!! =)
Thank you and pleeeaase keep em coming, we're here for you--so ask away!
Love and Light,
Mina
This is Mina and I was thinkin on y'all and just felt the need to reach out, to send you love and express my appreciation for your support and engagement. Thanks for picking our brains, answering your questions has expanded me--illustrating how similar we all are, how we have more in common than different, how there is beauty in the struggle and even the pain and that God is always here for us, providing limitless wisdom and guidance direct from HIm or through the people He's placed in our lives and through creation at large. What a luminous blessing!!! Treasure!!! Gift!!! =)
Thank you and pleeeaase keep em coming, we're here for you--so ask away!
Love and Light,
Mina
Friday, March 5, 2010
Hair Help!!!
I have the scissors in my hand ready to cut all my hair off!! Ugh!!My hair is really getting on my nerves! I have nappy hair(I don't think nappy is a bad way to describe natural african hair by the way =)) and I cut out the perm about 2 years ago. It's fairly healthy, but I have noticed some breakage lately, but I'm not doing anything different than I was 2 years ago and I feel like my hair should be longer than it is. Why isn't it growing?!?!?! I use all natural products like olive oil, shea butter, coconut oil, aloe vera, and I henna my hair frequently to keep it strong, but it just doesn't want to grow and b/c it's not as long as I want it, I'm having trouble styling it too. The only style I can really do is two strand twists, but those get old fast! I'm ready to cut it all off and start over, but I know I'm going to regret it if I do. So I need some help before I end up bald!!
Nad says: Is it too late? Did you chop it all off? I hope not. Please, tell me there is still some hair on your head. Assuming there is some left, I'll continue. I'm glad to hear that you use natural products. You're not putting all those chemicals into your scalp. YEA for you, but something is going on with this breakage. Have you changed anything in your routine? Have you been moisturizing it more in these winter months? Just like your skin gets ashy in the winter, your hair and scalp get dry. If you already have dry hair, then its even dryer in the winter, so you've got to step your moisture game up.
Now we're going into spring, so you won't have to do as much, but make sure you keep your hair moisturized, which means wetting it and sealing in the water with some type of light oil. A lot of people think moisture means slathering on this goopy greases that only clog your pores and hair shaft. How often do you wash your hair? If you do it once a week, try twice a week, or even three times if you can. (Ever since my daughter was born, I've been slacking, but before that I used to wash my hair, which is natural, every day. I experienced the most growth when I started doing that.) Is your shampoo natural too? A lot of traditional shampoos have harsh, drying chemicals in them. Also, if it is natural, make sure it really is what it says it is. Some products claim to be natural but have some of the same ingredients as the other shampoos.
Where is the breakage? Your crown, edges, all over? This could help you figure out what is going on with it. If it's in your crown, are you wearing it in a ponytail a lot? That can put stress on the hair near the ponytail holder and make it snap off. If it is your edges, are you brushing and pulling it back tight? That can pull your edges out. Do you cover your hair? Sometimes the cotton fabric on khimars can dry out and snap off your edges. Try wearing a satin/silk scarf underneath.
Do you know any good natural stylists? (Emphasis on GOOD, because some "stylists" will mess your head up!) Two strand twists may be the only thing you can do with it, but someone else can find a cute style that can make you feel good about your hair, even though its not as long as you want. Pay attention to the breakage, though. Don't assume that its normal. Your hair is trying to tell you something. You just have to take the time and figure out what. Girl, telling you all this makes me want to go wash my hair. I know it needs it. Keep us posted!
Mina says: I wanted to defer this one to Nad--especially cus I know she has this water-wet-moisture-growth thing down! I wish I was more of the hair care expert but I'm in learning mode myself right now--continue to ask around and get different suggestions--but don't panic!!!
One thing Ive noticed, even with my hair, is that hair patterns change depending on age and whats going on in your life, hormone levels and such--overall healthiness and growth is affected by everything from mood to diet--take your vitamins consistently (though you may not see immediate results), drink at least 8 cups of water (I just realized recently a cup is not even that much, all this time I'm thinking we're supposed to drink those tall glasses--the ones in your cabinet--no only a cup, as in 8 ounces---duhhh*Mina slow moment*) and figure out what you can do to relax, destress, rejuvenate--which will create a growth friendly body environment.
The fact that you've been natural and consistently nurturing it, is a GOOOD thing! Go through Nad's questions and figure out what could be causing breakage. Do all you can to address possible problems (whether in methodology, or lack of nutrition or whatever)...In the meantime--it may not be the length you desire, but I'm sure those products haven't gone to total waste--there HAS to be something about it that looks pretty, no doubt! Maybe a new shine, its moisture level, or fullness... (As a matter of fact, I wanna see a pic!---pic!...pic!...pic!...lol) Focus on those aspects and just love it up...like really really love it.
Because I think a funny thing about our body parts is they respond to the eyes we cast on them. If they feel love from our eyes, they're receptive and will look and feel different. And we'll be expanded to see more beauty, hope and options...
I was talking to one sister recently and she cut her hair off due to breakage--she loves her hair and so she wasn't pleased it was short due to the cut--but decided to just have fun with it, she colored it and all--when I saw it, I immediately lovvvved it. Even though shes not yet crrrazy about it, its growing on her (because naturally it takes time)--but to everyone else, it looks fabbb!...(I put that on everything I love! hehe)
The point in me bringing this up is--lets say you take care of the breakage, but it never grows to that level you want in your mind...then what? Definitely strive for OPTIMAL health, but understand your hair is YOUR hair--and it has limits uniquely your own. So acceptance may be in order as well--acceptance and a light attitude of funnn--no matter what the length, make it your own, rock it, color it, claim it, wear braids sometimes, extensions sometimes (if you're into them), afro it up--boldly--(girl i just got locs and you're making me want to experiment more!! I wanna rock it!! lol) speaking of which, locking is an option too...it'll def. grow them lol! (and now you can take locs out when you're done...!) Soo--just remember, there are options, God always gives us options, though it takes courage, receptivity and flexibility on our part...
Have fun and doooo keep us posted....!
(I was only semi-kidding about those pics =) )
Nad says: Is it too late? Did you chop it all off? I hope not. Please, tell me there is still some hair on your head. Assuming there is some left, I'll continue. I'm glad to hear that you use natural products. You're not putting all those chemicals into your scalp. YEA for you, but something is going on with this breakage. Have you changed anything in your routine? Have you been moisturizing it more in these winter months? Just like your skin gets ashy in the winter, your hair and scalp get dry. If you already have dry hair, then its even dryer in the winter, so you've got to step your moisture game up.
Now we're going into spring, so you won't have to do as much, but make sure you keep your hair moisturized, which means wetting it and sealing in the water with some type of light oil. A lot of people think moisture means slathering on this goopy greases that only clog your pores and hair shaft. How often do you wash your hair? If you do it once a week, try twice a week, or even three times if you can. (Ever since my daughter was born, I've been slacking, but before that I used to wash my hair, which is natural, every day. I experienced the most growth when I started doing that.) Is your shampoo natural too? A lot of traditional shampoos have harsh, drying chemicals in them. Also, if it is natural, make sure it really is what it says it is. Some products claim to be natural but have some of the same ingredients as the other shampoos.
Where is the breakage? Your crown, edges, all over? This could help you figure out what is going on with it. If it's in your crown, are you wearing it in a ponytail a lot? That can put stress on the hair near the ponytail holder and make it snap off. If it is your edges, are you brushing and pulling it back tight? That can pull your edges out. Do you cover your hair? Sometimes the cotton fabric on khimars can dry out and snap off your edges. Try wearing a satin/silk scarf underneath.
Do you know any good natural stylists? (Emphasis on GOOD, because some "stylists" will mess your head up!) Two strand twists may be the only thing you can do with it, but someone else can find a cute style that can make you feel good about your hair, even though its not as long as you want. Pay attention to the breakage, though. Don't assume that its normal. Your hair is trying to tell you something. You just have to take the time and figure out what. Girl, telling you all this makes me want to go wash my hair. I know it needs it. Keep us posted!
Mina says: I wanted to defer this one to Nad--especially cus I know she has this water-wet-moisture-growth thing down! I wish I was more of the hair care expert but I'm in learning mode myself right now--continue to ask around and get different suggestions--but don't panic!!!
One thing Ive noticed, even with my hair, is that hair patterns change depending on age and whats going on in your life, hormone levels and such--overall healthiness and growth is affected by everything from mood to diet--take your vitamins consistently (though you may not see immediate results), drink at least 8 cups of water (I just realized recently a cup is not even that much, all this time I'm thinking we're supposed to drink those tall glasses--the ones in your cabinet--no only a cup, as in 8 ounces---duhhh*Mina slow moment*) and figure out what you can do to relax, destress, rejuvenate--which will create a growth friendly body environment.
The fact that you've been natural and consistently nurturing it, is a GOOOD thing! Go through Nad's questions and figure out what could be causing breakage. Do all you can to address possible problems (whether in methodology, or lack of nutrition or whatever)...In the meantime--it may not be the length you desire, but I'm sure those products haven't gone to total waste--there HAS to be something about it that looks pretty, no doubt! Maybe a new shine, its moisture level, or fullness... (As a matter of fact, I wanna see a pic!---pic!...pic!...pic!...lol) Focus on those aspects and just love it up...like really really love it.
Because I think a funny thing about our body parts is they respond to the eyes we cast on them. If they feel love from our eyes, they're receptive and will look and feel different. And we'll be expanded to see more beauty, hope and options...
I was talking to one sister recently and she cut her hair off due to breakage--she loves her hair and so she wasn't pleased it was short due to the cut--but decided to just have fun with it, she colored it and all--when I saw it, I immediately lovvvved it. Even though shes not yet crrrazy about it, its growing on her (because naturally it takes time)--but to everyone else, it looks fabbb!...(I put that on everything I love! hehe)
The point in me bringing this up is--lets say you take care of the breakage, but it never grows to that level you want in your mind...then what? Definitely strive for OPTIMAL health, but understand your hair is YOUR hair--and it has limits uniquely your own. So acceptance may be in order as well--acceptance and a light attitude of funnn--no matter what the length, make it your own, rock it, color it, claim it, wear braids sometimes, extensions sometimes (if you're into them), afro it up--boldly--(girl i just got locs and you're making me want to experiment more!! I wanna rock it!! lol) speaking of which, locking is an option too...it'll def. grow them lol! (and now you can take locs out when you're done...!) Soo--just remember, there are options, God always gives us options, though it takes courage, receptivity and flexibility on our part...
Have fun and doooo keep us posted....!
(I was only semi-kidding about those pics =) )
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Hijab Holdup
I wanted to get your opinion on this issue i've been having for a long time. I cover my hair all the time, but I've been thinking about not wearing it anymore. Growing up my parents always stressed dressing modestly but covering our hair was never a big issue. I started covering my fresman year of college 2005, but not for the right reasons. I had decided to stop perming my hair and decided the best way for me was to shave all my hair off..completey bald. I loved it, but was to self conscious to walk around campus with a blad head and it was winter so it was too cold :) So I decided to wrap my hair temporarly until my hair grew enough to wear it out. Well I guess I just kinda got lazy b/c I didn't want to do my hair so I never took it off. I had met my husband then as well and he liked me to wear it and bought me all these beautiful scarves so I felt gulity if I never wore them. My parents were also proud of me b/c I started covering, so I didn't want to disappoint them either. So for 5 years I've been covering for these superficial reasons and I feel like I'm not getting the benefit/blessings/rewards for covering b/c I'm not doing it for the right reasons. I've tried to purify my intentions for wearing it, wearing for the pleasure of Allah and I've tried all different types of styles from the 'traditional' to a bun style and everything in between, but I alwasy feel like a fake, like maybe I'm disappointing Allah by wearing when I'm not dong it solely for the love and pleasure of Him. So what do you ladies think?
Mina says: Peace and Blessings, dear sister--thanks for inquiring. (Btw, I can totally relate to a time when I wore my scarf so I wouldnt have to worry about my hair! LOL)
You're right, its not good to feel like you're soley doing something for others, because it will get to the point where it feels worn out, stale and inauthentic. Its only through making a logical and conscious decision for oneself, and feeling conviction in your heart, that you'll feel excited about doing it--or at least sincerey, even if stoically, committed.
Seperate from what everyone else thinks, and get clear about what you think.
What do you mean when you say "love and pleasure of Allah"? Examine why you think Allah is pleased that you wear it. Is is because it identifies you as a Muslim or because you think hair is enticing for men and immodest? Or some other reason? Get to the bottom of its benefits and the benefits it may have provided over the course of you wearing it. Because one thing important to remember is, if something really is pleasing to Allah, there is definitely a very real benefit for us.
Try to keep this close as you examine...
The other thing to confront and consider is--is this indeed something you feel God is asking of you, or people? And what role does that play--People have different opinions about whether wearing head covering is mandotory, but I think most settle that its not mandotory, as it doesnt state so in The Qur'an, but preferred (as a way of distinguishment). But again, it's not mandatory.
Consider your reasons for not wanting to wear it. Is it because you haven't found it personally meaningful and you feel smothered, or because your hair looks cute and you want people to know it! And then think about how not wearing it factors into the bigger scheme of things--would it be a sin in your opinion? If so--major or minor?
The point of me asking these questions is so you can get to the root of what you desire and believe to determine, obectively for yourself, where you stand.
I do think your husband's opinion is important. As your protector, does he want you to cover for safety reasons, or is it just something he would prefer (i.e: how serious is it to him)? Maybe something can be worked out where you cover if you're alone but wear your hair out if you're with him or others...Either way, you should talk to him honestly about how you feel
What I think is happeening is you're having a desire to take it off, naturally because you want to go through the process of making this decision for yourself (you may decide after weighing all factors, that not wearing it is no biggie. Or you may be confronted with new information that can make you appreciate covering more)...But ultimately you should be given time to do this. The Qur'an states "there is no compulsion in religion" and I'm sure God will be pleased if you're truthfully looking to re-examine and feel congruent in your behavior.
Nad says: Ah, the hijab question. It was bound to come up. As a person who has been on both sides of this issue, I can definitely relate. I think the reason this is such a controversial issue is because 1.) the Quran uses somewhat vague term to address clothing and doesn't state specifically that a woman's hair has to be covered and 2.) the hijab is such a noticable mark of Islam and has been misinterpreted by non Muslims.
I notice that when the topic of hijab is discussed, it usually become a heated debate over whether or not it is required. I don't want to get into that debate. (There are plenty of ahadith you can read for clarity on this issue.) I'd rather turn this into the type of discussion that we have about any other issue believers find themselves struggling with.
Despite your reasons, I love that you've covered for 5 years. I'd like to know more about that experience. I know you said you just did it to get out of doing your hair, but beyond that, did you like it? Do you have positive experiences/memories attached to wearing it? Do you like the way you feel when you wear it? Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror? These may sound like superficial questions, but they greatly affect the way a woman experiences the act of wearing hijab.
As Muslims, we know that hijab isn't a tool of oppression. It's a protection, a mercy, and a reminder of who we are and what we must do. Every time a hijabi woman sees herself, she is immediately reminded of her Islam. Every time another Muslim sees a hijabi, they are immediately reminded of their Islam. Every time a non-Muslim sees a hijabi, they are immediately made aware of Islam. We women have a hefty job. Quite literally, we carry Islam with us for the world to see. And depending on what you're feeling at the moment, that's not always easy to do.
Your statement that you "feel like a fake," stands out to me. Makes me wonder if there's more to it. 5 years is a long time. Even though you started for superficial reasons, you could have grown accustomed and attached to hijabing, but you didn't. That means something. I can't say what, because I don't know all the details, but a struggle in one area often denotes a similar struggle in another. No one part of us is separate from the others.
I know when I went through the same issue, it meant something. It actually had little to do with the wearing of the hijab and more to do with what that meant and how I felt about it. Now, after much prayer and self reflection, I've been able to pinpoint why I was feeling that way.
Examine that "fakeness" youre feeling. See if it goes deeper than the reason you named. I think if you get more in touch with what you're really feeling, uncovering those subconscious thoughts we don't even realize we have, you'll have more of an understanding about which way you want to go with this issue.
ALSO, sorry to make this response longer than it already it, but I can't close this out without addressing the fact that your husband likes that you cover. As a fellowed married woman, I gotta get in on this. Of course we never want to feel like we're living our lives for others, but marriage is about balance and compromise. If you continue to cover because your husband wants you to, there are blessings in that (in the same way that the sacrifices he makes for you are blessings for him).
The Qu'ran talks about guarding what he (your husband) would have you guard in his absence, <---paraphrase. I'm not saying this to force you in any one direction (I try never to give concrete, "you should do..." answers in these responses), but I am saying this to make the point that even if you only do it because he wants that of you, it wouldn't be "fake," but would actually speak to your devotion to and love for your husband.
Since he bought you a lot of beautiful scarves, I imagine him to be a kind man, one with whom you could discuss this issue. The last thing you want to do is make a decision without consultation and then end up with a lot of discord in your home. Talk to him about how you're feeling and see where the conversation goes. That way, you won't have to worry about him being caught off guard and feeling ignored. Sorry this is so long, but I really wanted to be thorough.
Hopefully, you'll find your way.
Mina says: Peace and Blessings, dear sister--thanks for inquiring. (Btw, I can totally relate to a time when I wore my scarf so I wouldnt have to worry about my hair! LOL)
You're right, its not good to feel like you're soley doing something for others, because it will get to the point where it feels worn out, stale and inauthentic. Its only through making a logical and conscious decision for oneself, and feeling conviction in your heart, that you'll feel excited about doing it--or at least sincerey, even if stoically, committed.
Seperate from what everyone else thinks, and get clear about what you think.
What do you mean when you say "love and pleasure of Allah"? Examine why you think Allah is pleased that you wear it. Is is because it identifies you as a Muslim or because you think hair is enticing for men and immodest? Or some other reason? Get to the bottom of its benefits and the benefits it may have provided over the course of you wearing it. Because one thing important to remember is, if something really is pleasing to Allah, there is definitely a very real benefit for us.
Try to keep this close as you examine...
The other thing to confront and consider is--is this indeed something you feel God is asking of you, or people? And what role does that play--People have different opinions about whether wearing head covering is mandotory, but I think most settle that its not mandotory, as it doesnt state so in The Qur'an, but preferred (as a way of distinguishment). But again, it's not mandatory.
Consider your reasons for not wanting to wear it. Is it because you haven't found it personally meaningful and you feel smothered, or because your hair looks cute and you want people to know it! And then think about how not wearing it factors into the bigger scheme of things--would it be a sin in your opinion? If so--major or minor?
The point of me asking these questions is so you can get to the root of what you desire and believe to determine, obectively for yourself, where you stand.
I do think your husband's opinion is important. As your protector, does he want you to cover for safety reasons, or is it just something he would prefer (i.e: how serious is it to him)? Maybe something can be worked out where you cover if you're alone but wear your hair out if you're with him or others...Either way, you should talk to him honestly about how you feel
What I think is happeening is you're having a desire to take it off, naturally because you want to go through the process of making this decision for yourself (you may decide after weighing all factors, that not wearing it is no biggie. Or you may be confronted with new information that can make you appreciate covering more)...But ultimately you should be given time to do this. The Qur'an states "there is no compulsion in religion" and I'm sure God will be pleased if you're truthfully looking to re-examine and feel congruent in your behavior.
Nad says: Ah, the hijab question. It was bound to come up. As a person who has been on both sides of this issue, I can definitely relate. I think the reason this is such a controversial issue is because 1.) the Quran uses somewhat vague term to address clothing and doesn't state specifically that a woman's hair has to be covered and 2.) the hijab is such a noticable mark of Islam and has been misinterpreted by non Muslims.
I notice that when the topic of hijab is discussed, it usually become a heated debate over whether or not it is required. I don't want to get into that debate. (There are plenty of ahadith you can read for clarity on this issue.) I'd rather turn this into the type of discussion that we have about any other issue believers find themselves struggling with.
Despite your reasons, I love that you've covered for 5 years. I'd like to know more about that experience. I know you said you just did it to get out of doing your hair, but beyond that, did you like it? Do you have positive experiences/memories attached to wearing it? Do you like the way you feel when you wear it? Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror? These may sound like superficial questions, but they greatly affect the way a woman experiences the act of wearing hijab.
As Muslims, we know that hijab isn't a tool of oppression. It's a protection, a mercy, and a reminder of who we are and what we must do. Every time a hijabi woman sees herself, she is immediately reminded of her Islam. Every time another Muslim sees a hijabi, they are immediately reminded of their Islam. Every time a non-Muslim sees a hijabi, they are immediately made aware of Islam. We women have a hefty job. Quite literally, we carry Islam with us for the world to see. And depending on what you're feeling at the moment, that's not always easy to do.
Your statement that you "feel like a fake," stands out to me. Makes me wonder if there's more to it. 5 years is a long time. Even though you started for superficial reasons, you could have grown accustomed and attached to hijabing, but you didn't. That means something. I can't say what, because I don't know all the details, but a struggle in one area often denotes a similar struggle in another. No one part of us is separate from the others.
I know when I went through the same issue, it meant something. It actually had little to do with the wearing of the hijab and more to do with what that meant and how I felt about it. Now, after much prayer and self reflection, I've been able to pinpoint why I was feeling that way.
Examine that "fakeness" youre feeling. See if it goes deeper than the reason you named. I think if you get more in touch with what you're really feeling, uncovering those subconscious thoughts we don't even realize we have, you'll have more of an understanding about which way you want to go with this issue.
ALSO, sorry to make this response longer than it already it, but I can't close this out without addressing the fact that your husband likes that you cover. As a fellowed married woman, I gotta get in on this. Of course we never want to feel like we're living our lives for others, but marriage is about balance and compromise. If you continue to cover because your husband wants you to, there are blessings in that (in the same way that the sacrifices he makes for you are blessings for him).
The Qu'ran talks about guarding what he (your husband) would have you guard in his absence, <---paraphrase. I'm not saying this to force you in any one direction (I try never to give concrete, "you should do..." answers in these responses), but I am saying this to make the point that even if you only do it because he wants that of you, it wouldn't be "fake," but would actually speak to your devotion to and love for your husband.
Since he bought you a lot of beautiful scarves, I imagine him to be a kind man, one with whom you could discuss this issue. The last thing you want to do is make a decision without consultation and then end up with a lot of discord in your home. Talk to him about how you're feeling and see where the conversation goes. That way, you won't have to worry about him being caught off guard and feeling ignored. Sorry this is so long, but I really wanted to be thorough.
Hopefully, you'll find your way.
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