Saturday, April 10, 2010

Polygamy Problems

I am so deeply saddened by what my husband and his new wife have done to me. I have been trying to seek gudiance speak with muslims to understand how it is possible for him to meet a sister on this site, chat with her secretly, then leave me thinking he was going to research the imam only to marry her the next day. upon his return he claims to love me but things have gone horribly wrong we argued. i said horrible things. I slandered the religion. I defamed his character within our muslim community. I was so hurt and angry i wanted everyone to know how he betrayed me now he has moved out called in sick at work and i believe left on a plane to go be with this his new wife in another state. he has taken our car left no money to take care of our kids and I feel completely helpless. he wants me to pray and continue being with him however i am so distraught that while he had no money for our bills he was able to purchase a plane ticket rent a car and stay in a hotel with her for 9 days. I don't understand any of it. I have helped in the house i have paid the rent on my own shared the car loan purchased groceries done everything i possibly could. I was extremely happy with him even doing all these things I had no idea he was talking to this sister online i thought he was meeting other muslim brothers and talking about this deen. i know he is allowed to have a second wife but surely not in this manner. there must be a way for him to have another wife without causing so much pain and extreme hurt sadness and devastation to me and our family. what kind of sister is she to enter our lives and not care that she is destroying everything we built for 15 years? how do i move forward? where do i turn when prayer doesn't comfort me? i am so alone and lost i have spent my entire adult life with him and i don't know how to move on without him yet i can't sit back and watch him move on with someone else. i can't handle him going on a plane to see her, sleeping with her, growing a family with her while i suffer on the side. i know that's not what allah wants for me and i question how much he ever loved me to do this in the first place. please help me to understand give me some guidance to help me make it through this.

Nad says: Salaam sis,
My heart truly hurts for you. Please know that his actions are a reflection of HIM, not the religion. Polygamy is allowed, but it is not supposed to be done like this, in secret. Even if there is no direct statement in sharia saying you have to tell the first wife, it is stated that there is to be no secrecy around weddings. It also states that the husband has to treat the women equally, which means she knew about you, you should have known about her.

I hate that some men abuse their right to polygamy. Even the Prophets wives had issues of jealousy, and he didn't just disregard their feelings. He was very kind and considerate. Just because you can take another wife doesn't mean you can just up and do whatever you want. I'm no scholar, but I do believe you have the right to know... Allah knows best.

And you're right. There is no way he could pay for his plane ticket and other expenses but not pay the rent. No man is to take on another wife if he can't even support the first one. I'm sure he knows this. Sounds like he is trying to twist Islam to fit his lifestyle. Again, Allah knows best.

The fact that he went about this in such a sneaky way is a sign that it wasn't done correctly. There is no sneakiness in Islam. This isn't your fault. If you've done your best to be a good wife to him, then surely you will be rewarded for that. Nothing is unseen by Allah.

And I know it doesn't feel better now, but it will get better. Continue to pray, even when you don't want to, even when you feel like it won't do anything. Prayer is a mercy for us. God does not need our prayers. We do. Ask Allah to guide you toward what is best. If you stay with him (assuming he continues to provide for you and the children and treat you kindly) Allah will bless you for that. If you leave because he isn't providing, you have that right, so there is no wrong in that.

If you have done everything you can to make something work and it still falls apart, that's Allah telling you it is not for you. Of course no one wants to hear that their husband is not for them, but we never know the challanges Allah will place before us.

You aren't the first women to go thorugh this type of devastation and, unfortunately, you won't be the last, but Allah always provides for those who patiently persevere. There are women that were once in your shoes and are now abundantly happy. They were able to move through that pain and find a new peace. Inshallah, you will do the same in time.

Mina Says: Bismillah, wow, I feel the devastation and its a deeply ugly, uprooting feeling. The manner in which you're husband handled this business was dishonorable, deceptive and extremely selfish--his respect for your humanity was certainly lacking and that is enough to make you feel lost, like you've awakened to a totally new, and nasty, reality. My prayers are with you sister.  Bismillah, through the panic, the hurt, the anger, you must reachout to God, like Nadirah said and you NEED a support system...I know I wouldn't be able to deal with this alone--you need to surround yourself with your dearest--I mean closest, sound friends and family. When you will feel like you can't stand, insha Allah they will carry you and help nurse you back to emotional and spiritual strength and health. Healing....your healing is of upmost importance right now. 

I can't act like I'm equipped to say stay or leave, especially without a detailed, holistic picture of what was going on and even prior to all of this, but I do know that in order for you to make a sound decision, you need to gather YOURSELF. Yourself. sis, sometimes these things happen so we can get a moment to stop and do a re-assessment and go into self, not just into our internal selves but the internal aspects of the things that make our lives--our relationships, our systems--figure out what is working and not. Fast forward some time (6 months, 1 year, 2 years) and in retrospect we find we would NOT have been able to manifest a truer, more beautiful--throroughly beautiful--picture, without this tremendous hurt and reshaping...

Allah is your best friend. Allah is your BEST friend.  And it seems things are always happening to get us to remember, embrace this fact yet again.  It will be hard. you WON'T feel like praying...but in the words of my former multi-level marketing trainers, this is where the "players" are seperated from the "pretenders".  And it will take a great deal of strength/ muscle.  Allah (swt) says in Al Qur'an: "be sure We shall test you with something of fear and hunger and loss of goods, or lives, or the fruits (of your toil) but give glad tidings to those who patiently perservere. Who say when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah we belong and to Him is our return."  They are those on whom (descend) blessings from Allah and Mercy and they are the ones that receive guidance."

Allah makes it very plain that this struggle/pain/test is MOST definitely something that  is supposed to happen.  But He says we came from God, we belong to God and we are returning to God. So--let's return.  Find a way to nurse your wounds and be quiet. With God and with yourself. The answers will be clear, insha Allah. That comfortability, courage and strength you find in this place, finding your inner inconquerable spirit and power, will be sustenance for you. You didn't even realize how strong you were! You CAN do this--you CAN bounce back, you CAN be happy, MORE joyful, MORE fulfilled.

On a more specific note--again, I don't know the details, maybe your husband lost his job and could not provide--but if he wasn't providing and you were coming out of pocket to sustain the family, Islamically-speaking, he wasn't fulfilling an obligation.  Allah swt even tells men to abstain from marriage if they CAN'T find the means.  So the balance Allah has ordained, on some level, was already off.  I fear that your kindness was feeding an already weak logic and he was taking advantage--and I suspect this only from knowledge of his current actions-- Ie, 1) The money was found when he found a NEED to spend it (this exemplifies that while he was with you he wasn't on his grind, he was too comfortable and accepting of you pulling the load that he, on some level, wasn't stepping up, cus look @ how he stepped up for the other woman)  2) In asking you to stay, he wants to take on 2, but he couldn't provide for 1? How is this logical or fair? It's not. Allah says in the Qur'an that darkness and the light are NOT alike. Sometimes in life we NEED to make these distinctions.  Right is right and wrong is wrong.

That's all I will say with regards his actions.  Know that you're not crazy and this was indeed carried out with immense disrespect.  Allah has given you EVERYTHING you need to get through this tremendous trial. You have to put on your warrior gear--your in jihad mode, for your sanity and peace and happiness. Trust Yourself.  Read Qur'an and trust sound guidance. Accept love from family and friends.  Talk to women who have been there, done that and have bounced back, fully recovered and joyfully living! Look to your children for motivation and focus.  With God there is abundance and God is everywhere. My deepest prayers are with you and all experiencing such feelings of betrayal.  Allah has you, never let you go.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Blessings and Thanks!!

Peace and Blessings to all our followers and contributors out there!!!

This is Mina and I was thinkin on y'all and just felt the need to reach out, to send you love and express my appreciation for your support and engagement. Thanks for picking our brains, answering your questions has expanded me--illustrating how similar we all are, how we have more in common than different, how there is beauty in the struggle and even the pain and that God is always here for us, providing limitless wisdom and guidance direct from HIm or through the people He's placed in our lives and through creation at large. What a luminous blessing!!! Treasure!!! Gift!!! =)

Thank you and pleeeaase keep em coming, we're here for you--so ask away!

Love and Light,