Friday, January 22, 2010

In Love and Confused

Question: ASA sisters,
I am 23 years old, born and raised as a Muslim with Muslim parents. My family life I would say was ok although I think one of my parents has some serious issues. I wont say which one. Nonetheless, I love my parents. I'm not saying I haven't caused my parents some grief or disappointment, but for the most part I've been a good child. I know my parents have my best interest at heart, but give me a break, I'm grown. My parents want me to marry a Muslim guy that they think the world of, but little do that know. He is just like some of the guys that my parents literally talk about like there's no tomorrow. You see, I've met this wonderful guy that I love. I've been knowing him for almost two years. I tried to introduce him to my parents, but they wouldn't have anything to do with him because he's not Muslim. Although he's not Muslim, I think he is really nice. I know he loves me; he helps me out, he's there for me and he is so kind to me. If they would just get to know him, I know they would like him. There're stuck on him not being Muslim. I know he's not Muslim, but my thinking is he might become Muslim one day. I can't take too much more. My parents are driving me crazy about dating a non Muslim. My guy friend has offered to let me move in with him. I know as Muslims we don't believe in shacking up, but I'm considering moving in with him. All I know is that I love him, I don't want to lose him and I can't take the constant criticism from my parents.

Any suggestions? Please help.

In love and confused.

Nad Says: You've got yourself a situation, here. The heart wants what the heart wants. There's no denying that. Before we approach the parent issue, let focus on you. I’m glad that you’ve found a guy that sounds pretty great. You said you think he might become a Muslim one day. What if he doesn’t? Will that be a problem for you? A deal breaker? If you get married and he converts, then all will be well. But, if he doesn’t, what happens then? Are you willing to be married to a person of another religion? Is he? If so, what will that mean? Will all of your needs still be met? This is something you two should discuss before making any big decisions like moving in together. Like we said in a similar post, interreligious relationships require some extra work. Additional questions need to be asked. Have the two of you discussed this issue and how it could benefit and/or be a detriment to your relationship?

Now, on to your parents. Have you told them that the guy they think is sweet is really pulling the wool over their eyes? This other guy really isn’t all that important, but it might help them get his name out of their mouths. A lot of people’s parents prefer that they marry within their religion. You may never change their mind on that, but you can show them that you are an adult who is capable of making wise, well-thought-out decisions. After discussing the religion issue with him, talk to your parents and let them know that you’ve thought long and hard about this. Don’t just say “I know he’s not Muslim, but we’ll make it work because we’re in love.” Tons of people mistakenly assume that love alone will carry them through serious issues. Sorry to say, but it takes more than that. Let them know how you’ll make it work. If he’s interested in Islam, tell them. If he’s secure in his religion and has no plans of leaving, tell them. Make them see the bigger picture.

If after all that, they still aren’t convinced, you’ll have to choose. Wish I had a different answer for ya, but if they will not budge under any circumstances, and you’re dedicated to doing this, you’re going to have to either go with your heart or go with your parents. I won’t tell you which one to choose, because that can be no one’s decision but your own.

Mina says: Gotta make some runs. Check back later today for my response. Thanks for reaching out. Peace and love

Ok! I apologize for the delay! Great points Nad! I cosign on that =) Also, please check  this post for my very similar story and the thought process I went through, as well as the outcome =)


  1. MashaAllah Nad I'm really impressed with your answer to this sister, you've brought up some hugely important things she needs to think about, without taking sides or pushing your ideas on her, mashaAllah!

    I'd like to add a few things if I may. Another important thing to talk about with this man she is dating is children. If they decide to move in together, get married, and even if they don't, if they are being intimate, and even if they aren't, this is something that is important and is a huge obsticle that inter-religion couples face. You can't be idealistic about this, love is, unfortunately, not all you need.

    Another thing to realize is that parents are very important in Islam, respecting them is extremely important. Your mahram (your father) has to approve any marriage that is going to take place for it to be halal. And as much as it's not what you want to hear, it is not halal to marry a non muslim man.

    I think the best thing this sister can do with this man, is dawah!

    It's different, but my husband told me after we had fallen in love but once marriage was starting to be discussed, that he could not (would not) marry me unless I was a muslim. This was not the reason I became muslim by any means, but it is the reason why I started studying Islam (and through my study fell in love with the deen and had no choice but la ilaha illa Allah!)

    Our sister needs to be honest with everyone here, including herself.

  2. asalamualaikum first and foremost there is no dating in Islam, this we all should know and understand. If your dad were to talk to him, tell your dad to introduce Islam to him kindly and forget the fact that this man likes you and is not Muslim, it is up to Allah if the guy steps forward or backwards. We are to lower our gaze sister and fear Allah. Allah knows what is best for us and if the best is marrying a Muslim then darn it marry a Muslim. I was sort of in your situation before but I knew the guy before Islam and when I wanted to be on my deen that meant leave him alone and fear Allah as he was not my husband so when I intended to marry him he refused Islam so basically I left him by the curb and Allah has now blessed me with a Muslim husband who I now love way more than that non-believer. Stop talking to him!!!! as Muslimahs we are supposed to be modest so refer him to the Masjid or your dad. I know that you think your heart is for this man but remember Allah because He is the one who gave us the ability to love in the first place. InshaAllah things will get better for you and your family. Masalaama


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