Friday, January 22, 2010

Looking for Direction in Faith and Love

Question: In college, I was dating a Muslim man while I was raised as a Christian. I was hesitant at first because my parents were of different faiths [Christian man/Muslim woman] and they ended up in divorce. He was hesitant because we had been intimate, but he vowed celibacy when he converted and didn't know how I would react. I did repect his celibacy, but we did have times that we were intimate again. I was even proposed to by him, but ended up not going through with it because I had so much negativity from relatives that we weren't equally yoked. It was a real possiblity that we would've ended up in divorce (just like my parents). He even was abusive towards me and I feel that no man will ever want to marry me. So, I'm now single and really don't know where I stand with my faith and what type of marriage that I want. All I know is that both biblical and Islamic books say that it's better to remain single...Peace be unto you!


Nad says: Peace be unto you,
Looks like you have a lot of unknowns in your life. I know can it be very stressful to feel like you're not anchored anywhere. Accept that peace will come.

First off, congrats on not staying in an abusive relationship! It's not always easy to walk away when there is love involved, but you did it. That makes my heart smile.

Second, know that a man WILL want to marry you! Not just any man, though. The right one. Speak that into existence. Of course, God is in control, but a lot of times we create our realities with our thoughts and actions. It’s all perception, anyway. So, perceive that you will find a good husband. Don't view your past as a hindrance to future love. View it as a collection of hard-learned lessons that have made you better, stronger and wiser. No doubt, you learned a great deal in this experience, about yourself, about love, and about the give and take of relationships. Use that. It’s such a resource.

If you don’t know what type of marriage you want, it’ll will be hard to judge if you’re satisfied with what you’re getting. You have to figure out what you want—better yet, what you need— so you can always be aware of if your needs are being met. What would a good mate be like? How would the relationship look? If you don’t know, talk to some people who you feel have healthy marriages. Ask them to help you build a picture of the type of love you’re seeking. Things are so much easier to find when you know what you’re looking for.

You don’t know where you stand with your faith? You’re not alone. So many people feel marginally attached to a religion they “claim” but may not truly grasp. Let’s shelve the unknowns of your faith for a minute and focus on what you do know. What is your absolute truth, the one thing (or things) that you are at peace with and never question? It sounds like you believe in the Most High, but maybe aren’t sure of the specifics? If that’s true, let Him lead you. Pray (in whatever form you know best) and ask for true guidance. God hears the prayers of the sincere. Study the religions that interest you with an opening mind, allowing the Creator’s magnetic energy to pull you where it will. This won’t be a quick and easy journey, so I don’t expect this answer will wipe away all your problems. (Would be cool if it did, though. Wouldn’t it?) I only hope that this can be a stepping stone to help you get to where you’re going.

Mina says:  Sis! Peace be unto you--I feel you, I'm feeling your confusion and pain and I want you to know: God has you!  I have to 100% agree with Nad to say: Congratulations for having the strength and self respect to walk away from abuse--that takes courage and is not easy, trust me, you're ahead of many!

It's always difficult to rebuild, but its such a necessary process to finding fulfilment and living truthfully...if you can get excited about anything, get excited about that! This is a remarkable time for you and vital opportunity--to wash away the negativity, confusion, stains of the past and unlock the essence of your Soul and what will make it sing and soar (Im reeeaally excited for you as I think about this process!) It will be a cleansing.

Nad is so right that God hears the prayer of every sincere caller. Get quiet. Really make the time to have those moments when its just you and your Creator. If you get still enough, sweet answers come in these moments. It definietly wont be an overnight process but know that all women come to a point when we have to dig, dig deep, pull out and reinvent, using the ingredients that never change (and represent your authentic self) but prepared in a new, refreshing, flavorful way.

Feeling that no man will ever want you...could be a subtle effect of the abuse--especially if it was verbal as well, you may have been made to feel worthless and invaluable. Listen to the thoughts that you have about yourself? Do they reflect an attitude of "I'm worthy and pretty wonderful" or one of "I'm worthless"? Just from rereading your question you can get some insight into this.  If they're reflectng the latter we'd better work fast to empty them, because these are lies and will hinder you on your journey to fulfillment and liberation! God made you absolutely beautiful and honorable. God made you that way--don't disrespect this magnificent creation (you!) by ever thinking otherwise...Don't allow yourself to get bogged down about how you may've "messed up" 'cause guess what? Welcome to the club! the HUMAN club! lol, really...its totally part of the game. Its not about never messing up or having all the answers the first time, its about coming to God with an open heart and with sincerity. God-consciousness--let nothing take you away from this.

Just as Nad talked about perception and talking things into your life, please please do this regarding your thoughts about yourself--FLIP it! You have to be diligent in recognizing when you have a destructive thought and replacing it with a truthful one. From  an "ahh that was sooo stupid of me!" to an " I make mistakes but I love that I try to correct them, thank God for that!"

Also, you may want to consider some counseling if you feel theres still healing that needs to take place from your previous relationship--its worth a consideration, we all can use extra help in our peeling away and "restarting."

In finding faith, authenticity and fulfillment, I recommend the following books:
Women Who Run With The Wolves (Clarissa Pinkola Estes)
Simple Abundance (Sarah Ban Breathnach)
Faith in The Valley and/or In The Meantime (Iyanla Vanzant)

May you be very blessed sweetheart =) In every moment lies an opportunity to start anew...


  1. “Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.”--The Alchemist

  2. Mina, so glad you got in on this. Your answer is magnificent. So necessary.

  3. I was the one that posted this question. Thanks for your advice and comments, Nad and Mina! I've taken everything in and willing to have a better mindset! Continue progress always....



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